Number One Fiend
Number One Fiend is the first episode of NathanStitely's fan-made T.U.F.F. Puppy season. Sypnosis Meerkat hires his little nephew, Nathan, to go and spy on TUFF and figure out their greatest weaknesses! However, Nathan would rather hang out with Dudley and Kitty than his uncle. Transcript w/ Images {Setting: Petropolis Golf Course (Day). A bird chirps in her nest. She flies away. We follow her flight, but, we stop at the golf course’s tool shed. AKA, the not so dreaded liar of F.L.O.P.P. We cut inside to see Meerkat standing behind some podium. Both the Escape Goat and Wanna Bee are watching and listening to him.} MEERKAT: It’s not fair! {Bangs his fist on the table} It’s just not fair! ESCAPE GOAT: What isn’t fair, Meerkat? We haven’t committed any crimes yet! MEERKAT: Oh that? I was just practicing my monologue the next time those dreaded TUFF agents defeat us again! WANNA BEE: Yeah, I know. You really need to work on your dialect. Your vocal chords are like SU-PAR BAAAAD!! MEERKAT: Aww, who told you?? {Shakes his head in confusion} AUGH!! Anyways, recently I had trouble sleeping last night. So, I watched this old mobster movie to pass the time- ESCAPE GOAT: -And by mobster movies, you mean your HOME movies! {Escape Goat and Wanna Bee chuckle a bit} MEERKAT: STOP LAUGHING!! Just because I wear a thick, red suit and some sort of freaky hat, DOESN’T mean I’m a mobster! WANNA BEE: {Sarcastically} Suuure you’re noooot! {Winks} MEERKAT: Mooooving on…I discovered from watching that movie is the best way to defeat a foe is to use their weaknesses against them! So, what I’ve been thinking is we need a stool pigeon to go to TUFF and figure out their weaknesses! WANNA BEE: Oh, don’t you be looking at me! Remember that last time you sent me there to find secrets?? {Flashback: Inside TUFF, Dudley Puppy is reading a newspaper. Wanna Bee buzzes in, unnoticed. But, Dudley suddenly sees him} WANNA BEE: Heheheheheh… DUDLEY: AUGH!! Bee! {Dudley rolls up his newspaper and SMACKS the honey out of Wanna Bee! Flashback ends} WANNA BEE: Worst part is, I had to get like 5 stiches in the chin! And when you’re my size, it’s an OPERATION!! {Shivers} MEERKAT: I wasn’t talking about you! I was referring to-{Meerkat pulls up picture of him with ANOTHER Meerkat}-HIM!! ESCAPE GOAT: Who’s that kid in the picture? MEERKAT: This here is my nephew, Nathan. {Points to the other meerkat} And OOOOH how I hate him! WANNA BEE: Why? MEERKAT: Because, that fool actually LIKES TUFF!! He’s been known around the world as the biggest TUFF fan ever! He knows all of the agent’s hopes, dreams, hours they usually spent going to the bathroom, and, THEIR WEAKNESSES!! So, that’s why I called him here today to spy on TUFF and hope of getting the agent’s weaknesses so that we can get revenge on them for all those times they put us in jail! {Short pause} WANNA BEE: Still need to work on those vocal chords! {Meerkat bangs his head on his podium. Just then, a knock on the door is heard. Meerkat suddenly gets his head up} MEERKAT: Oh goodie! That must be Nathan now! {The door opens and Nathan comes into view. He is a meerkat who looks just like his uncle only he has light brown fur, wears a blue t-shirt, and has short, brown hair. He is smiling cheerfully whilst wagging his tail} NATHAN: OH…MY…GOSH!! This is like sooo exciting! I’m actually inside the Fiendish League of Potenial Perpetraitor’s golf shed lair! OOO, OOO!! {Points to the Escape Goat and Wanna Bee} And you guys must be Matthew T. Goat and Jerry T. Bee! AKA, the Escape Goat and the Wanna Bee! ESCAPE GOAT: Wait! How did you know our first names?? MEERKAT: Well, duh! Not only does he know much about TUFF, he also knows about their greatest foes, as well! {Nathan leaps excitedly in front of Meerkat. Nathan is still wagging his tail} NATHAN: So, Uncle Darran? Do you know where Meerkat is? Because I want to meet him so badly! MEERKAT: You’re looking at him. NATHAN: {Gasps} You?? The great and powerful Darran N. Meerkat is my uncle?? MEERKAT: Well a-duh! We last met during that family reunion in Petsburg last spring! NATHAN: Really?? I thought you were just doing an impersonation of him! But, now, {Squeals with glee} I discovered that he IS you! This is going to make a great blog post! MEERKAT: Um, yeah. Anyways, Nathan, do you want to help me on a secret mission?? NATHAN: DO I EVER?? What are we going to do “Uncle”? Dine n’ dash?? Pressing all of the buttons in a crowded elevator?? Stealing the coins from the fountain at Trader Moe’s?? MEERKAT: Even better! You get to go to TUFF and meet your favorite agents! NATHAN: {Smiles a really big smile} YEEEEEAH!! It’s been my life-long dream to go there! {Gets a small poke on his shoulder} OW!! Wanna Bee! WANNA BEE: Sorry, dude. Force of habit. {Winks at Meerkat} {Nathan runs to the door, rubbing his shoulder} NATHAN: Well, see you guys! EEEEEE!! {To himself} Meerkat is my uncle! {Nathan slams the door} MEERKAT: Hahahahaha! That stupid oaf! {Pulls up a really small walkie-talkie} He didn’t realize I just implanted this little walkie-talkie into his fur so we can hear about TUFF’s weaknesses! Man, our golf course’s Lost and Found SURE do loose the greatest stuff! WANNA BEE: Now, what kind of crazed weirdo would lose a bunch of really small walkie-talkies?? {Nathan opens the door and peers in} NATHAN: Snaptrap. It was Snaptrap who keeps leaving you all your stuff in the Lost and Found. {Nathan closes the door. Then opens it again} NATHAN: P.S. He secretly really loves to be with his mom. He just doesn’t want to talk about it that much. {Nathan closes the door again. FLOPP looks at it in confusion} ESCAPE GOAT: Wow! WANNABEE: That was…interesting. MEERKAT: I told you he was good! {Scene trasition. Setting: TUFF (Day). We cut to a shot of TUFF. Then we cut to the exterior. Kitty is in her cubicle typing spy words on her computer, Keswick is writing stuff on his clipboard, and Dudley is chewing his butt, DUH!! Just then, the Chief rolls up in his little, portable monitor} CHIEF: Listen up, agents! We have a big crisis on our hands! {Everybody stops what they’re doing} EVERYONE ELSE: What?? {Kitty pulls out her blaster} KITTY: Is a villain about to thwart on Petropolis?? KESWICK: Somebody stole our ma-ma-ma-military secrets?? {Dudley puts his hands over his ears} DUDLEY: We’ve ran out of powdered donuts for the vending machine?? CHIEF: No, no, and definitely NO!! {Dudley kneels down with his hands in the air} DUDLEY: {Screams} THEN IT’S EVEN WORSE!! WE’VE RUN OUT OF NOUGAT BARS FOR THE VENDING MACHINE!! CHIEF: No, it’s just that some stupid geek just wants our autograph! KESWICK: Chief, how can THAT be a big crisis?? CHIEF: Hey, when you’re my size, lifting a pen is like lifting a boulder! {Just then, the elevator door opens, and out pops Nathan. He wags his tail with glee} NATHAN: {Quickly} Oh, my gosh! I love you guys! This is the best day ever and-{Starts hyperventilating}-anybody got a paper bag I can breathe into?? {Gasps} {Nathan rushes over to Kitty and Dudley} NATHAN: Oh, my gosh, KITTY!! I have always dreamt of this moment! Only you were naked… KITTY: Eeew… NATHAN: And Dudley, still stinking at that new Time Tower video game? And STILL stuck at Level 1?? Dude! Shame on you! DUDLEY: Hey, how do you know I play that game! And STUCK on Level 1?? NATHAN: Trust me, I know almost EVERYTHING about every TUFF agent and foe EV-UR!! For example, {Points to Keswick} Keswick is really an alien from the planet KW-10 secretly planning for world domination! KESWICK: WHO TOLD YOU?? {Short pause} I mean…I’m not an alien! {Just then, some blueprints fall out of Keswick’s cubicle. Kitty reads them out loud} KITTY: “Plans for World Domination”?? {Keswick quickly runs over to his plans and puts them back in his cubicle} NATHAN: {Points to the Chief} The Chief’s middle name is “Denise”! CHIEF: That is ABSOLUTELY not true! {Just then, Tammy walks up with an eraser-size package for the Chief} TAMMY: Howdy, Herbert Denise Dumbroski! Package for you. {Hands the Chief his package. The Chief slaps his forehead} NATHAN: {Points to Tammy} Tammy’s from Little Rock, Arkansas! TAMMY: That’s true as plum-puddin’! NATHAN:-And was named prom queen during High School! TAMMY: Still true! NATHAN: -And secretly picks her nose when no one’s looking! TAMMY: {Now nervous} Um…’kay?? NATHAN: But, that’s not as gross as the time she peed her pants when she- {Tammy puts her hand over Nathan’s mouth} TAMMY: Okay! I think that’s enough! {Tammy backs away nervously. Just then, the alarm goes off} CHIEF: Agents! I’ve just reaviced intel that FLOPP is about to rob the super market! Agents Puppy and Katswell, even though FLOPP is incredibily stupid, go out there and stop them! {Suddenly the two hear crying. Kitty an Dudley look back to see Nathan is with Agent Nuts} AGENT NUTS: {Crying} MAKE HIM STOP!! NATHAN: Don’t worry, Roger. Everybody accidentally blows up a children’s hospital once in a while! CHIEF: {To Dudley and Kitty} Yeah, and I think you should take the geek, too. KITTY: Same here. DUDLEY: Ditto, dude. {Scene transition. Setting: the TUFFmobile (Day). Nathan is riding along with Dudley and Kitty to stop FLOPP. Nathan is staring lovingly into Kitty’s eyes} NATHAN: Kitty Katsandra Katswell. I also know that your birthday is a day away from MY birthday! {In love} If we were married, we would share our birthdays together! KITTY: Uh, no thanks I’m cool. Besides, I’m already dating Eric. {Nathan suddenly remembers something} NATHAN: Ooo! I almost forgot! {Hands Kitty some sort of fanfic. Kitty reads the title out loud} Here! KITTY: “Kitty is Love, Kitty is Life?” {Kitty flips through the pages and starts reading, then, she turns green wand looks like’s she’s about to vomit. Which she ACTUALLY does off-screen} NATHAN: Too disturbing? {The three drive pass a field of daffodils} DUDLEY: Ugh. Speaking of disturbing, Nathan, you’re starting to become a total pain in my- {But, before he can reply, the pollen from the daffodils comes up Dudley’s nose and starts sneezing} DUDLEY: AHH-CHOO!! AHHHHH-CHOO!! KITTY: Aw, Dudley. Are you okay? DUDLEY: {Stuffed up} Sorry, Kitty. {Snorts} I’m allergic to daffodils! NATHAN: Ooo! Harsh! KITTY: You think that’s bad?? I’m highly allergic to cherries! Just touching them breaks me out in a rash! {Cut to the super market. FLOPP is hearing Nathan’s conversation with Dudley and Kitty through the really small walkie-talkie that he had already implanted on him in front of the store} MEERKAT: {Chuckles evilly} Did you hear that fellas?? Thanks to my stupid nephew, we’ve fianally discovered what Agent Puppy and Katswell’s weaknesses are! Escape Goat, go to the produce section and get all the cherries you can find! Wanna Bee, go to the flower stand and get the biggest bouquet of daffodils ever! ESCAPE GOAT: We’re on it, Meerkat! WANNA BEE: Yeah! We’re gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse! MEERKAT: Exactly my partners in crime and-{Short pause} Hey! Wait a minute! {Escape Goat and Wanna Bee start to chuckle a bit} MEERKAT: For the last time, I’m NOT a mobster! I just look and sound like one! ESCAPE GOAT & WANNA BEE: {Sarcastically} Sure you’re not! {Both wink} {Short pause} MEERKAT: Just go get the stuff we need! {Scene transition. Dudley, Kitty, and Nathan pull up at the super market’s front. Nathan is wagging his tail harder than ever} NATHAN: This…is…SOOO exciting! I actually GET to help my favorite secret agents defeat some bad guys! KITTY: Uh, Nate. I think it would be just best if you sit in the car. Because, well…uh…{Lies}…you’re not that fit to be a secret agent. NATHAN: {Calmly} Oh, okay. DUDLEY: Uh, Kitty. You know real reason why we hate Nathan because he’s a TOTAL, STUPID ANNOYENCE TO OUR LIVES!! {Nathan stops smiling for a second, and then starts crying} KITTY: Dudley! I lied so that Nathan can feel better! DUDLEY: Hey! My mom says that lies always hurt. That’s why I had to say it! KITTY: Yeah, and you hurt Nathan’s feelings! DUDLEY: But, mom is right! And I know! Moms are ALWAYS right! {Short pause} Except for the time she told me about where babies come from! {Shivers} KITTY: Look, let’s just go and stop FLOPP and I’ll talk to Nathan afterwards, okay? DUDLEY: {Sighs} Okay! {Kitty runs away from the car to stop the bad guys. Dudley doesn’t follow} DUDLEY: Oh, and P.S. Babies REALLY come from- {Kitty peers from the right side of the screen} KITTY: Just go already! {Dudley leaves with Kitty} DUDLEY: Okay, okay! SHEESH!! {Dudley and Kitty kick the double doors with their feet. Standing right in front of them, is Meerkat, bouncing a grapefruit in his hands} KITTY: Freeze, Meerkat! DUDLEY: You’re under arrest for something really, really stupid! MEERKAT: {Sarcastically} Oh no! It’s Agent Puppy and Katswell! I’m SOOOO scared! {Throws away his grapefruit} NOT!! Sick ‘em boys! {All of a sudden, Escape Goat and Wanna Bee jump next to Meerkat! Escape Goat is holding a blaster filled with cherries and Wanna Bee is holding a blaster filled with daffodils} KITTY: What the-? How did you guys know our secret weaknesses?? MEERKAT: {Holds up the really tiny walkie-talkie} This little bad boy! I was the one that sent Nathan to TUFF to learn about your secret weaknesses! DUDLEY: Why? MEERKAT: Because Nathan…is my nephew! {Dudley and Kitty both gasp} DUDLEY: Actually, that’s pretty obvious. You’re both meerkats. MEERKAT: Yeah, whatever. FIRE!! {Escape Goat fires the cherries at Kitty. The cherries bounce off of Kitty’s face, which suddenly gives her a HORRID skin rash!} KITTY: AUGH!! IT BURNS!! {Starts starching her face} GOTTA SCRATCH!! {Wanna Bee fires the daffodils at Dudley. The pollen gets up Dudley’s nose and starts sneezing} DUDLEY: AAH-CHOOO!! {Stuffed nose} UGH!! MY NOSE!! IT’S AS RED AS RUDOLPH’S FREAKY, GLOWING RED ONE!! AAH-CHOOO!! {Cut to Rudolph checking out the tomatoes at the produce isle} RUDOLPH: Ugh. I’d take it as an insult. {Cut to the outside of the super market. Nathan is still crying over what Dudley had said to him in the TUFFMobile} NATHAN: {Sniff} I can’t believe my two favorite heroes denied me. {Sniff} Maybe I really am annoying. {Screams from Dudley and Kitty are heard from the supermarket} NATHAN: Oh…my…gosh! My heroes are in trouble! Even though, I may be incredibily annoying, I must go out there and help defeat FLOPP! And, also, I think Dudley took my behavioral medicine! {Nathan leaps from the TUFFMobile and runs to the super market. He kicks the double doors with his feet. He sees Dudley and Kitty in trouble} NATHAN: What the-?? KITTY: Help us, Nathan! NATHAN: But, you’ve said I’m annoying! DUDLEY: Just, do it, Nathan! AAAAH-COOOOO!! You’re our only hope! NATHAN: Okay?? {Nathan dashes over to the medicine aisle and grabs a tube of rash cream, Nathan squirts it all over Kitty’s face. It slowly drips off, and Kitty doesn’t have rashes anymore!} KITTY: Hey! My rashes are gone! {Nathan runs over back to the medicine aisle and grabs 2 nasal sprays. He fires it right of Dudley’s nostrils! Dudley takes a whiff, and his nose is not red anymore} DUDLEY: And my nose isn’t red anymore! Thank goodness! I looked like a freak! {Rudolph stares at him angrily} DUDLEY: I mean…bummer, dude. My redness is gone. Heheheheh… NATHAN: Now, to take care of my uncle! {Nathan grabs a bunch of cupcakes from the free sample stand} NATHAN: Eat cupcakes, dirtbag! {Nathan throws all of the cupcakes into Meerkat’s mouth. Meerkat swallows all of the cupcakes, whole} MEERKAT: Hahahahahah! You’re defeating me with pastries?? Nathan, you really are my stupidest nephew ever! NATHAN: Oh, but, I’m not! KITTY: What are you talking about?? NATHAN: Well, what I’ve learned from the time FLOPP bluffed about shrinking Petropolis with the Bluffalo, I’ve that Meerkat has a weakness, himself! DUDLEY: Which is? NATHAN: He…has…DIABETES!! MEERKAT: Pfft. Yeah, right. If I had diabetes, I would probably- {But, before he could say anything else, Meerkat’s stomach starts to rumble and suddenly stops talking. He gasps while holding his heart and falls on his back onto the floor. Meerkat’s skin turns light blue and starts twitching his fingers, choking violently, and oozing green spit out from his mouth} ESCAPE GOAT: Ugh. WANNA BEE: That’s just plain gross! And bees are known puking honey! {Dudley leaps behind Escape and Wanna Bee and puts handcuffs on their hands} DUDLEY: Gotcha! KITTY: Wait? What about Meerkat? {Everybody stares at Meerkat. Who is STILL oozing green spit out of his mouth} NATHAN: Eh, He’ll be fine in about 3 hours. {Scene transition. Setting: TUFF (Evening). We cut to a shot of TUFF. Then we cut to the exterior. Nathan is being praised for rescuing Dudley and Kitty from FLOPP} CHIEF: Congratulations, Nathan William Meerkat. You have saved our two best TUFF agents from certain doom! I think you should make a really good agent yourself! {Nathan squeals} KESWICK: Chief, Nathan saved Agents Puppy and Katswell from FLOPP. They’re the wo-wo-wo-worst acting villains in all of Petropolis! He shouldn’t be rewarded for being a secret agent for that! {Nathans stops squealing} CHIEF: Hmm. I guess you’re right. {Thinks for a couple of seconds} I guess you COULD be an intern… NATHAN: An intern? You mean I have to give you guys snacks and organize stuff for you? CHIEF: Yep. {Nathan stares at the Chief blankly for a second} NATHAN: {Gleefully} OKAY!! I’LL DO IT!! {Everybody cheers} CHIEF: Now, your first act of internship is to get us some powdered donuts! I’ve checked the vending machine and we’ve run out of that stuff! DUDLEY: HA!! I TOLD we’ve run out of donuts in the vending machine! NATHAN: I’d love to guys. But, I have to meet someone in the infirmary first. {Nathan runs over to the infirmary} KESWICK: Who the heck is that kid se-se-se-seeing? {Cut to the infirmary. Meerkat is resting in a hospital bed. He is wearing a hospital robe with a needle poked in his arm for transfusion. He is also not wearing his traditional mobster’s hat. It is on the end table next to him. Nathan walks up.} MEERKAT: Ugh. {Holds his hand on his head} My head. NATHAN: Hey, Meerkat. You okay? MEERKAT: Ugh. A little bit. I can’t believe you just did that to me! NATHAN: Sorry, but, you were harming my heroes. And nobody messes with Dudley Donald Puppy and Kitty Katsandra Katswell! MEERKAT: Nathan, look. {Holds his hand on Nathan’s shoulder} I haven’t told this my partners in crime before. Do you know why I act this way? Do you know why I’m such a villain? NATHAN: Uh…because you’re a mobster? MEERKAT: Yes, I-{Short pause}-I AM NOT A MOBSTER!! Look, the truth is, when I was your age, I didn’t have that much friends. I was always getting up by bullies, laughed at by my classmates, and once took my mom to my school prom. So, that’s why I became a villain. That meant, I could get noticed and crush anyone who laughed at me as a kid! And Escape Goat and Wanna Bee, well, they were acted that way, too. NATHAN: {A tear sheds his eye} Wow. That’s so upsetting. {Nathan wipes his tear} So, do you wanna stop being a villain because you feel so guilty. {Meerkat stares at Nathan for a couple of seconds. Takes a deep breath, and says-} MEERKAT: -OF COURSE NOT!! BEING EVIL IS WHAT I DO BEST!! {Nathan looks confused} MEERKAT: BUT!! {Softly} There was no one I could have been defeated by…{Sheds tears}…than you. NATHAN: And there was no one I could have defeated than…you. {Meerkat and Nathan hug it out} MEERKAT: Come on, nephew. I’ll take you home. {Cut to the front of the TUFF building. It is already night time. Dudley, Kitty, the Chief and Keswick and watching Meerkat and Nathan walking home together} KITTY: Aww, that’s so sweet. DUDLEY: And kind of disturbing at the same time. {They all walk awkwardly away back into the building} CHIEF: Yeah, let’s just keep a certain distance. {Cut to the city street. Meerkat and Nathan are still walking into the moonlight together…as family…But, then Meerkat buts in and says-} MEERKAT: P.S. I still hate you for liking TUFF. And later on, you’re going to get it! NATHAN: That’s my uncle! {They both chuckle and walk away some more and we pan from the picture frame to the “The End” logo and the episode’s over. But, instead of the traditional action-packed music, it's a calm, end-of-sitcom-like cue} Category:Fan fiction